Trigger WARNING! Domestic Violence
This is a long post, but I believe it to be important one. It outlines certain behaviours which could be a sign of domestic violence, it does not go into what you can do, but rather what to be aware of. When we know the Warning Signs or Red Flags, we can take action faster, be it for ourselves or to support a friend or family member, as abuse often follows a pattern.
What Does It Take To Make A Safe Home?
A SAFE HOME is a space where you are supported and support each other. Growth as an individual and as a family unit are encouraged in the home, by using non-violent communication, positive reinforcement and where you have support from within and outside the home.
It takes dedication by both partners to make a safe home. A SAFE HOME does not accept any abuse, any kind of violence, or controlling behaviour in it. It is loving, kind, supportive, caring and understanding.
If you experience abuse or violence, be it emotional, psychological, physical, financial then it is not a SAFE HOME that you or your children are living in.
We view wellness in relationships as a whole not parts of it and believe that any of the above coercive behaviours are totally unacceptable.
A SAFE HOME
What is Domestic Violence or Abuse?
When we think of domestic abuse we often think about physical violence, however there are many types of abuse and it does not discriminate, all genders and relationships can experience it, regardless of culture, race, socio-economic circumstances, education or religion. It transcends relationship status, from marriage, co-habiting, dating, and even those who have already left the relationship.
There are types of controlling behaviour which is also deemed as abuse, this can be instilling fear or forcing someone to behave a certain way. Domestic Abuse is a violation of the victim’s rights, it can be a subtle emotional manipulation to full physical violence against the victim, all of these can have long term effects on the victim’s mental, emotional and physical being.
We as a society must acknowledge that this happens and should not dismiss or ignore any abuse, no matter how minimal, as the impact to the victim and society as a whole is truly devastating. Often abuse is repeated, generation after generation if it is ignored and accepted as part of life.
IT IS NOT ACCEPTABLE UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES!!!
Physical Abuse
This is most often the most obvious form of abuse is domestic violence and it is almost always accompanied by other forms of abuse.
A perpetrator of Domestic Abuse who might not be psychically violent often turns to physical violence when they know that the victim is planning to leave, or their sphere of control is slipping. Another major trigger is when a woman is pregnant or after giving birth, this is often a critical time and does not only affect the mother it also affects, the unborn child or baby, directly or indirectly through stress on the mother.
Physical abuse takes many forms, and can include, but is not limited to :
- Slapping
- Punching
- Pushing and shoving
- Burning
- Choking – (Once a person chokes you, the likelihood that they could kill you increases).
- Sleep deprivation
- Threatening you with weapons or using them against you
- Forcing you to use alcohol or drugs
- Does not let you seek medical help, if it is from injuries they have inflicted or for an existing medical condition
- Harming children who are in the home
Control and Isolation
Perpetrators of domestic abuse, use controlling behaviour to maintain their position of power over their victims. There is a direct correlation between these methods of control and escalating violence.
Physical violence may or may not happen, and if it does it might not be a daily occurrence, but it is a cycle and it almost always starts with some other form of controlling behaviour or abuse.
One of the easiest ways that perpetrators ensure control is by using isolation tactics, it starts slowly with the victim being kept away from friends and family and withdrawing from social events or even from working. It is through suggestions to the victim that family or friends might not know what is best for the victim and also coercing or forcing the victim to stop working. This often leads to other forms of abuse such as total isolation emotional, financial and character assassination (as the victim does not socialise so does not get to hear what has been said about them, so they cannot defend themselves, against these allegations), these are to but name a few.
Control includes such things as the abuser organising the daily routine of the victim, making sure that the victim does not have access to a telephone or internet connection, no access to transportation and the abuser is their only means of getting out of the house, this is a common occurrence and very prevalent in situations where the victim has a disability, which affects their mobility.
The abuser may frequently come home unexpectedly, or stay out for prolonged periods of time, not informing the victim of where they are going or what time they intend to be back. This creates a few scenarios, such as anxiety, it does not leave a window to leave safely or to have visitors to the home.
Isolation stops the victim from often meeting their own needs of friendship and support. A victim can often also isolate themselves, for fear of further abuse or because of perceived embarrassment or shame associated with revealing the abuse.
Sexual Abuse
Sexual abuse as with other forms of abuse can vary from verbal to physical sexual assault.
With sexual abuse the victim is often forced into preforming sexual acts which they do not want to, being forced to dress a certain way, watching pornography or involving them in sexual activities with other people against their will, having their sexual needs or feelings regarding sex ignored.
Abusers often demand sex and have a sense of entitlement and can use very aggressive behaviour. They can use verbal assaults to convince the victim that they owe them, because they are in a relationship with them or they have spent money on the victim. Another tactic is to ignore the victim as a form of punishment or continuing to pressure the victim, after the victim has clearly indicated NO.
Even when the victim is ill or after the abuser has hurt them, they are forced to, by the abuser by using insults or calling them names which have sexual connotations, physically holding the victim down. Many of these acts are legally classed as rape, under the law.
Sexual abuse can also include the perpetrator using objects to assault. Sexual abuse is also treating the victim like an object, a possession to use.
Forcing the victim to have unsafe sex, and sometimes passing on sexually transmitted diseases or with it is resulting in unwanted pregnancy.
Emotional Abuse and Intimidation
Emotional abuse can be subtle, also with passive aggressive tones, belittling or humiliating the victim’s efforts in work, home, education or parenting by criticising and undermining them and also attacking their self-confidence. It can be directly threatening, such as threatening to have the victim’s children taken away, the abuser threatening to kill themselves or their victim or children.
The abuser might also use statements or information which the victim confided in them about against them or threaten to tell others.
Ignoring or otherwise stonewalling the victim, not speaking to them for prolonged periods of time.
“Crazy Making’ or “Gaslighting’ the victim by the abuser stating that they are going to do something positive and not following through with it, and then denying that they ever said it. Hiding objects in the house or deleting messages and stating that the victim needs psychiatric help, that they are losing their memory, are mentally unstable.
VERBAL ABUSE can be separate from, but it almost always is in line with Emotional Abuse and Intimidation.
Threats of humiliation, name calling, insults, false accusations and victim blaming are all emotional abuse as well. Shouting, screaming, yelling are all forms of intimidation, along with threats to assault.
Financial Abuse
Abusive partners often use control over finances as a form of control and abuse against their victims.
Some examples of Financial Abuse can include, but are not limited to:-
- Making the victim pay their earnings into the abuser’s account and refusing access to the money by the victim
- Not sharing information regarding the victim’s own bank account statements
- Using the victim’s money without their knowledge
- Taking money with on a promise, with no intention of paying it back
- Not contributing to the household and refusing to work, forcing the victim to
- work extended hours (often with no access to their own funds)
- Taking out credit in the victim’s name (sometimes without their knowledge)
Stalking, Monitoring and Technology Abuse
Stalking and monitoring are common behaviours by abusers. It can happen during the relationship and even after the victim has left the relationship.
Stalking and monitoring put the victim in a high-risk situation, especially if they have already left the perpetrator.
Some forms of this stalking behaviour are:
- Following the victim
- Breaking into the victim’s home or car
- Leaving messages or other items on the victim’s property
- Malicious on-going phone calls, hanging up before answering, leaving constant messages, silent calls, calling from different numbers.
- Monitoring when the victim is at work or home
- Filling court cases against the victim, as to harass or use up their resources.
- Reporting fake incidence to the police
- Violating Restraining or No Contact orders
- Destroying the victim’s property
- Injuring or killing pets while the victim is not home
Some forms of this monitoring behaviour are:
- The victim is made to report to the abuser, or the abusers check the victims, email, telephone and text communications.
- Checking the mileage on the car, checking the amount of fuel used
- Making sure the victim does not have time for themselves
- Monitoring computer and internet use
- Using the victims GPS to locate them
- Demanding all passwords and access to all accounts
Using Children
The abuser might use their own children or that of the victim’s as a means of control or perceived “punishment” against the victim.
Some forms of abuse include having the children report back to the abuser about what the victim, might have said or done, to have the children act as a spy, on behalf of the victim. This can be used as a form of control and monitoring, for the victim and the children.
Sadly, the statistics for sexual abuse of children are increased when there is violence in the home. The abuser might threaten to physically harm the child or force them to watch the abuser harm the adult victim. They might sexually abuse children, as a means of control in the home.
Mental Health and Domestic Violence
Many adults and children who have suffered domestic violence or abuse have experienced depression, PTSD, C-PTSD, anxiety or other related mental health issues, the effects of the abuse do not always stop when we leave, but with the help of a good therapist or psychologist we can often come to a place of understanding ourselves and why we feel the way we do.
Healing takes time and with holistic approaches which cover all areas of your being, emotional, physical, and treat you as a whole, you can gain confidence and strength.
The more you know about your rights, the more you can assist in your own protection. As a survivor
of Domestic Violence I know what negative challenges you can face and how to overcome these by DEMANDING your rights from the relevant authorities.
If you are in the UK and you think you or a friend may be the victim of Domestic Violence or Abuse there is help available from the gov.uk website: Domestic abuse: how to get help
Please take caution if you believe your device search history is being monitored. If you are in immediate danger contact the Police.