Are you in a Toxic Relationship?
If you are in the UK and you think you or a friend may be the victim of Domestic Violence or Abuse there is help available from the gov.uk website: Domestic abuse: how to get help. If you are in immediate danger, contact the Police. Toxic relationships almost always have some elements of abuse or violence, Learn more about: Domestic Violence – An Unsafe House Is Not A Home
We encounter new individuals almost every day, and from time to time, we come across someone we’re eager to build a deeper connection with. They convey a sense of familiarity, and their core values appear to resonate with ours. Motivated by this connection, we invest in the relationship, only to realise later that it brings about more negative experiences than positive ones.
If you come to the realisation that you’re entangled in a connection that’s detrimental to your well-being, what course of action should you take? Well, there are steps to navigate the complexities of such relationships, but let’s first explore the indicators that can guide you in identifying such toxicity.
Remember a toxic relationship is not always abusive, as it may be dysfunctional, but an abusive relationship is always toxic.
7 Signs You’re in a Toxic Relationship:
- You question your own feelings. You don’t know how to act or what to say, you second-guess yourself, questioning if what you feel is real or imagined. You are concerned how the other person may respond if you are just being you.
- You experience signs of physical and emotional upset. When you’re with the person, your stomach hurts, you feel anxious, weak, or tired (but not in a peaceful safe way). You are physically drained. You are put in situations that don’t align with your values or beliefs and you might find yourself mirroring what is not considered nice behaviour which can cause further emotional upset.
- Feelings of confusion become common. You’re unsure about what’s happening in the relationship or what’s going on with you. You question yourself, your beliefs, your values, but not in a healthy growth focused way, rather you are gaslit, and unsure what is true to you or not.
- The relationship is negatively unpredictable. You never know where you stand or what erratic response you might get for something which would be considered standard interactional behaviour in other relationships. For example: you thought your friend would be happy you arrived early to go shopping but instead, he was irritated; you come home early from work because you are ill, but your wife is angry, as she wanted more free alone-time on her day off; you bought a gift only to be told it is not the item they wanted or that it was cheap.
- One or both of you consistently say hurtful things. Emotionally, it’s like a roller coaster. Too many damaging, unforgettable, angry words have been said. There are plenty of ups and downs and the downs are getting harder to take. It is like living in a war zone, and if you are not the one spitting out hurtful comments, it can go back to the physical and emotional upset. Learn more about: 10 Communication styles and how to build a healthy one
- You’ve had an angry physical exchange with the person. He’s literally pushed you, pulled your hair, or she’s thrown her mobile phone at you, or scratched you. Either one of you might have gotten physical.
- You engage in unhealthy behaviours when with this person. Whether it’s drinking too much, drug usage, spending more money than you should, not being honest with others to spend time with the person, or engaging in behaviour which is not in line with your faith, values, or other beliefs, transgressing your own moral code. Are you literally being pulled to the “dark side” of you?
If you find yourself experiencing any of these scenarios, it indicates that your relationship is showing some profoundly toxic relationship traits. This is not what a healthy relationship looks like. So, what does a healthy relationship look like? Learn about the: 7 Healthy Relationships Signs
What Can You Do if You Believe You’re in a Toxic Relationship
Let’s look at what steps can be taken to address and navigate through the challenges of a toxic relationship:
- Give yourself some time away to focus. Go no contact, go someplace neutral for at least two days without having any contact with the person. Notice how do you feel?
- Have confidence. Have trust in your gut instinct, know that your higher self might already know what is happening and that you are an amazing being but maybe not being given the opportunity to be behaving as such in this environment. Remember that we have all had tough times before and worked through them one way or the other.
- Decide whether you still want this person in your life. Have things between the two of you gone so far that they can’t be corrected? What value are they adding to your life, personal, emotional, and spiritual growth? Can you envision a life without them, what would you be doing, what would you be feeling?
- Write down the top three issues that trouble you about being with them. Doing so will help you be clear with yourself about what is discouraging about the relationship. Getting your thoughts and ideas in order will lift the fog of confusion and bring you clarity and confidence.
- Examine your own actions. What are you doing to perpetuate the difficulties? Be brutally honest with yourself about what part you play in this worrisome relationship. This is not an excuse for an abuser, but rather in a relationship creating self-awareness, allow yourself to look within yourself and discover your own unhealthy behaviours or relationship pattern. Vow to work on your own issues and get them resolved, even if this means leaving the relationship. Remember though that there is never an excuse for abuse, emotional or physical and if you are in danger seek help as soon as you feel ready to or are able to so. Abuse is always about an imbalance of power. You can learn more about: Toxic Relationships: 14 Self-Reflection Questions
- NEVER PUT YOURSELF IN DANAGER! Some people CANNOT BE REASONED WITH or ARE NOT READY FOR CHANGE! Only use this if you know you are safe, emotionally, and physically. If you believe the relationship can change, talk directly with the other person about the issues that upset you. Be specific. Use a neutral tone of voice. For example, you can say something like, “I’ve realised that it hurts my feelings whenever you stand me up when we have plans, like last Wednesday. It’s happened several times and, in the future, I want you to call me if you’re not going to show up.” Being open about your feelings with the other person will strengthen your convictions to do something about the issue. Again, I repeat! Only do this if it is safe to do so. Often in close partner relationships if one partner displays Narcissistic or Sociopath tendencies, you could be putting yourself in danger, which brings us to the next step.
- Seek professional help. If you’re unable to resolve the challenges on your own, you might want to call a mental health professional. They can help you clarify your feelings and enable you to overcome the toxicity. Seek assistance from a helpline or the police if you need assistance to leave. Toxic relationships are not always violent, but they can drain you and prevent you from living a life which is full and loving.
Even though you may find you’re in a toxic relationship, you can endeavour to resolve the challenges if both of you are open to change. Embrace responsibility for your own actions and choices in life. Everything will get better, and you’ll finally experience the tranquil life you desire, by making wise choices, even if that means leaving the relationship. Choice is the key word, once we find ourselves in a situation, we have choices we just have to make them, and not making a choice, is also a choice. Be the change you need to be!
If you feel that you need support in your relationship, Relate offers various counselling and therapy services, they are the largest provider of relationship support in England and Wales. You can also find other Relationship Counselling Services near you by visiting the NHS Search here: Relationship Counselling