What is Gaslighting?
Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation where a person seeks to sow seeds of doubt in a targeted individual or in members of a targeted group, making them question their own memory, perception, or sanity. It can happen in personal relationships, business relationships, and even with a global audience, we just have to look how some politicians and public figures behave, even when what they have said has been recorded on camera.
5 Types of Gaslighting with Examples:
These almost always go together in some form of combination.
- Withholding Information: Your partner consistently leaves out key details about events or their plans, making it challenging for you to organise family activities.
- Trivialising Concerns: Your friend dismisses your feelings, stating that you’re overreacting or being too sensitive when you express your concerns.
- Denying/Lying: A co-worker denies making a promise, even though multiple people heard the commitment.
- Projecting Blame: A family member blames you for their mistakes, making you doubt your innocence in situations.
- Diverting: When confronted about their actions, a gaslighter changes the topic, diverting attention away from the issue.
I believe these 5 types to be the most common forms of gaslighting, you might have even found yourself doing one or two of these before, maybe not intentionally, and therein lies the difference, gaslighting is an intentional and often prolonged campaign of abuse. There are many other types of Gaslighting such as “Love Bombing”, however I feel that is a whole other topic of discussion in itself.
How to Spot Gaslighting:
- Trust Your Instincts: Pay attention to feelings of confusion, self-doubt, or frustration.
- Document Incidents: Keep a record of conversations and incidents that make you uncomfortable.
- Seek External Validation: Talk to trusted friends or professionals about your experiences to gain an external perspective.
You can learn more about this below in Navigating the impact of gaslighting.
EXAMPLES
Government Gaslighting
Gaslighting by a politician involves manipulating public perception and undermining trust in reality.
Here’s an example:
Imagine a politician facing criticism for a controversial policy. Instead of addressing concerns directly, they might deny any wrongdoing, label critics as unpatriotic, and accuse the media of spreading fake news. They could repeatedly assert that their policy is widely supported, despite evidence to the contrary and yes, many people will believe them as they are supposed be an authority figure.
The politician might also use diversion tactics, shifting the focus away from the policy by creating a different narrative or crisis. By sowing confusion, dismissing valid concerns, and distorting facts, the politician aims to make the public doubt their own understanding of the situation and ultimately question the legitimacy of the criticism. This creates a distorted version of reality where the politician appears blameless, and critics seem misguided.
Management Gaslighting
In a workplace setting, a manager might gaslight employees by subtly manipulating their perceptions and creating doubt about their own experiences.
Here’s an example:
Imagine a manager implementing a new policy that is widely unpopular among the staff due to its impact on work-life balance. Instead of acknowledging the concerns, the manager might hold a team meeting and dismissively assert that the policy is universally praised for its benefits. They could label dissenting opinions as resistance to positive change and frame any negative feedback as a lack of understanding, especially as they are not in management.
The manager might selectively present positive feedback or anecdotes that support the policy while ignoring or downplaying any negative consequences. In doing so, they create an environment where employees feel hesitant to voice their concerns, doubting the validity of their own experiences. The manager may also subtly criticise those who express dissent, fostering a culture where employees begin to question their own judgment and hesitate to challenge authority. This collective gaslighting can lead to a disempowered workforce reluctant to speak out against unpopular decisions and have a direct impact on staff moral and retention.
Relationship Gaslighting
Suppose one partner consistently criticises the other, pointing out flaws and shortcomings. When confronted about this behaviour, the gaslighting partner might say things like, “I’m just trying to help you improve as person!” or “You’re too sensitive, I was only joking!”.
They may also deny making hurtful comments altogether, causing the other person to question their memory or feel like they’re overreacting. Over time, the gaslighting partner might use this tactic to control the narrative, making the other person doubt their self-worth and believe that they are the problem in the relationship.
This form of gaslighting involves manipulating perceptions of reality to make the victim feel inadequate and dependent on the gaslighter for validation and approval. It can be emotionally damaging and contribute to a power imbalance within the relationship.
Friendship Gaslighting
Suppose two friends are discussing a recent disagreement they had. The gaslighting friend, instead of acknowledging their role in the disagreement, might say something like, “I never said that!” or “You’re making things up!”.
They may also undermine the friend’s emotions by saying, “You’re overreacting.” This can lead the friend to question their feelings and perception of the situation, making them feel like they are the one at fault.
The gaslighting friend might further manipulate the narrative by spreading false information or rumours about the friend, making it seem like they are unreliable or untrustworthy. This erodes the friend’s confidence, fosters self-doubt, and can create a power imbalance in the friendship.
Collective Gaslighting
Gaslighting can occur in various contexts beyond government, managerial settings, relationships, and friendships.
Here are a few additional examples:
- Workplace Colleagues: Colleagues may engage in gaslighting to undermine each other’s credibility, achievements, or contributions in a professional setting. This could involve taking credit for someone else’s work, spreading false information, or downplaying a colleague’s accomplishments.
- Family Dynamics: Gaslighting can occur within families, where one family member manipulates others’ perceptions to maintain control. This might involve rewriting family history, denying past events, or using emotional manipulation to make others doubt their memories.
- Online Interactions: In online communities or social media, individuals may gaslight others by denying or distorting facts, manipulating narratives, or engaging in online harassment to create doubt and confusion.
- Educational Settings: Students or teachers may experience gaslighting in educational environments. Peers or educators might attempt to undermine academic achievements, question one’s abilities, or distort the reality of a situation as an individual or as a group of students.
- Healthcare Settings: Patients may encounter gaslighting from healthcare professionals who dismiss their symptoms, downplay the severity of their condition, or make them doubt their own health concerns. This is sadly a very common situation.
- Media and Advertising: Misleading advertising or media campaigns can gaslight consumers by presenting false information or creating unrealistic expectations, leading individuals to question their own needs or desires.
- Cultural or Religious Groups: Gaslighting can occur within cultural or religious contexts, where leaders or members may manipulate beliefs, deny historical events, or use emotional coercion to control the narrative and followers’ perceptions. This is one of the key “Cult” indicators.
It’s important to recognise gaslighting in various aspects of life and develop awareness to resist manipulation and maintain a healthy sense of reality.
Why gaslighting is dangerous for your mental and physical health
Gaslighting is sometimes referred to as the “reality-distorting” behaviour because it can lead the victim to question their own sanity and perceptions. It perfectly describes the psychological impact of gaslighting, where the manipulator’s tactics can make the victim feel confused, doubting their reality, and ultimately questioning their mental stability.
Here are a few reasons why gaslighting is associated with the term “reality-distorting”:
- Doubting Reality: Gaslighting often involves the manipulation of facts and events. The victim may be told that something they experienced didn’t happen or that they remember it incorrectly. Over time, this constant distortion of reality can lead to confusion and self-doubt.
- Undermining Confidence: Gaslighters frequently undermine the victim’s confidence and self-esteem. They may criticise the victim’s thoughts, feelings, or abilities, making them question their own judgment and competence.
- Isolation: Gaslighters may isolate their victims from friends, family, or support networks, by insisting that others do not like them or have their best interests at heart, leaving them more susceptible to manipulation. The lack of external validation can contribute to feelings of isolation and vulnerability.
- Emotional Manipulation: Gaslighting involves emotional manipulation, where the victim’s emotions are toyed with. The gaslighter may alternate between praise and criticism, love, and hostility, creating emotional turmoil for the victim.
- Projection of Blame: Gaslighters often project their own faults, mistakes, or wrongdoings onto the victim. This can lead the victim to internalize blame and question their own integrity, contributing to a sense of feeling “insane.”
- Repetition of False Narratives: Gaslighting involves the repetition of false narratives. The gaslighter may consistently deny their actions or rewrite history. The victim, confronted with conflicting accounts, may start to question their own memory and perception.
- Mental and Emotional Exhaustion: The constant manipulation, confusion, and self-doubt induced by gaslighting can lead to mental and emotional exhaustion. Over time, the victim may feel overwhelmed and worn down, contributing to a sense of feeling anxiety, depression, and even contribute to post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)
Why gaslighting is considered harmful:
Gaslighting is dangerous for both mental and physical health due to the profound psychological impact it has on individuals.
- Undermining Mental Well-being: Gaslighting erodes a person’s sense of reality and self-worth. The constant questioning of one’s perceptions, feelings, and memories can lead to anxiety, depression, and a decline in overall mental well-being.
- Self-Doubt and Low Self-Esteem: Gaslighting often involves consistent criticism and invalidation, leading to a diminished sense of self. Individuals may develop low self-esteem, self-doubt, and a negative self-image.
- Isolation and Loneliness: Gaslighters may isolate their victims from friends, family, or support networks. Social isolation can contribute to feelings of loneliness and exacerbate mental health challenges.
- Manipulation of Emotions: Gaslighting involves the manipulation of emotions, creating emotional turmoil for the victim. This constant emotional roller coaster can lead to mood swings, heightened emotional reactivity, and difficulty regulating emotions.
- Physical Health Consequences: Prolonged exposure to stress and emotional distress can manifest in physical health issues. Chronic stress is associated with conditions such as high blood pressure, digestive disorders, and compromised immune function.
- Impaired Decision-Making: Gaslighting can impair an individual’s ability to make clear, informed, and rational decisions. The constant self-doubt and confusion may lead to poor judgment, affecting various aspects of life.
- Psychological Trauma: Gaslighting can result in psychological trauma, especially if the manipulation is severe or long-lasting. Trauma may manifest in symptoms such as flashbacks, nightmares, and difficulty trusting others.
- Dependence on the Gaslighter: Gaslighting often involves creating a dependence on the gaslighter for validation and a sense of reality. Breaking free from this dependence can be challenging and may require significant effort and support.
- Impact on Future Relationships: Individuals who have experienced gaslighting may struggle with trust and communication in future relationships. The effects can linger, influencing how they perceive themselves and others.
It’s essential for individuals who suspect they are experiencing gaslighting to seek support from trusted friends, family, or mental health professionals. Recognising the signs, setting boundaries, and establishing a support system are crucial steps in mitigating the harmful effects of gaslighting on mental and physical health, as we shall explore in the next section.
How to Reply to Gaslighting:
Only use these strategies if it is safe for you to do so.
- Enforce Boundaries: Clearly communicate your boundaries and ensure you stand by them.
- Use “I” Statements: Express your feelings using “I” statements to avoid sounding accusatory. For example, say “I feel hurt when…” instead of “You always…”
- Stay Calm and Assertive: Keep a calm demeanour and assertively express your thoughts without becoming aggressive.
- Exit Toxic Relationships: If gaslighting persists and becomes a pattern in a relationship, consider the option of distancing yourself from toxic individuals. Protecting your mental health is paramount. Learn more about: Toxic Relationship – Is Your Relationship Poisoning You?
REMEMBER: Gaslighting is a serious form of emotional manipulation, and recognising it is the first step towards reclaiming your sense of self.