Get Ready To Set Boundaries
Often in romantic relationships, we fail to set realistic boundaries and without them you can find, as a couple, that you are constantly being upset with each other by the expectations you have set, without actually defining what they are.
Questions such as: – Is it okay to have dinner with an ex, or one of their family members? Is it okay to plan a trip abroad without consulting your partner?
The issue is that some relationships would be fine with this, but others certainly wouldn’t, and it all depends on those in the relationship and what their non-negotiable expectations are. Are you familiar with the saying, “Expectation (assumption – original word in this quote but we are switching it up today) is the Mother of all mess-ups (swear word removed).”, by assuming something, we have not been clear and what we measure the outcome by is the scenario which we played out in our own minds, our own feelings and not that of the other person as their expectations and boundaries might be totally different.
Think of boundaries as a set of rules for a relationship. Each couple has to find a way to accommodate the preferences of both parties. This isn’t always easy, but it’s necessary for a relationship to flourish.
Relationship enhancing boundaries to discuss:-
- Finances. Financial issues are up there in the top three things which can put serious strain on a relationship. It’s important to discuss your preferences, taking into account your upbringing, background and financial status. Would you accept loaning money to, your neighbour, a friend, family members? Who pays for date nights? Do you prefer separate bank accounts or finances? How much can one of you spend without consulting the other if it is joint savings?
Financial issues are a regular cause for divorce. Create acceptable financial boundaries and hold each other to them. Prevent any financial disagreements before they happen. - The Past. You’ve both dated others or have been married before. Are the details of those past relationships off-limits, or do you both want to examine the other’s past? What do you consider worthy of conversation and could help you grow together, and what do you think should be left in the past? Each couple has a different opinion on this matter.
- Privacy. Does your partner have a right to know where you were Saturday night? Should a partner have access to the others journal, phone, online account? How much privacy is acceptable? Some people want to know every detail, while others prefer more privacy.
- Anything else that matters to either of you. You can develop boundaries around sex, communication do’s and don’ts, or pet names you call each other in public. It’s up to each couple to decide.
A few questions to ask yourself are: – What types of boundaries do you need in your relationship to feel comfortable? What can you tolerate? What are you unwilling to tolerate? Your relationship is unique. Think about what you need and why. Ask your partner to do the same. Give yourselves time to truly consider what you want in your relationship and work together to come to a mutual understanding. Remember give respect and get respect.
Be careful not to weaken your boundaries with these behaviours:-
- A lack of willingness to state your preferences. The process of having boundaries is undermined when you refuse to let your opinions be known. Ask yourself why you’re unwilling to let your partner know what you want.
- Accepting poor treatment or behaviour from your partner. There’s a saying, “You get what you tolerate.” When you tolerate mistreatment, you’ll get more of the same in the future, although this is no excuse for abuse and is often a sign of a toxic relationship. When you’re willing to accept poor behaviour, your partner will assume that any boundaries you agreed upon are optional. This also goes for the “NO” Test when it comes to Narcissists, not agreeing to certain situations will have a Narc Partner with their back up and often over stepping those boundaries themselves or not willing to accept your point of view or how you are feeling in certain situations.
- Guilt. There are times your partner may be frustrated by the boundaries. That’s not cause for guilt. Perhaps the boundaries can be revisited but avoid feeling guilty for something you both agreed upon. These rules apply to you to. Don’t discuss the boundaries in a rush, take your time and both agree, never be pressured into something you do not agree to, stand your ground. Be clear in what you are willing to compromise on and what you are not, the same for your partner. If you wanted to be really clear, both could write out what boundaries they expect and what they are willing to adhere to.
There’s no point in setting boundaries, only to turn around and sabotage them. Belittling your boundaries like this is likely to cause resentment.
What boundaries do you need in your relationship? Each relationship is unique. Some require a lot of boundaries for both parties to feel happy and secure. Other couples would feel smothered with too many “rules” to follow. If there is no balance this can cause resentment and even feelings of fear or mistrust.
Sit down with your partner and talk about what you both expect from your relationship. Cover what you are willing and unwilling to tolerate. Then, it’s important to uphold the boundaries. Now might be a good time to discuss these boundaries, respect your partners needs but also respect your own needs. If you are about to enter into a relationship, be clear about what both partners want from the start, this can help avoid much misunderstanding and even heartache in the long run.
Set boundaries that will strengthen your relationship and stick to them. These agreed upon guidelines can prevent a lot of relationship stress and make room for more joy.
Always remember to be respectful, because what might seem like a non-emotionally charged issue to you, might mean the world to your partner.